What-EVER!

AAAHHHH! I give UP! My calendar changed yet again. Now it's telling me that I was fertile December 30, 31 and January 1. So now I'm nervous because Josh was out of town until January 1st and, well, you know. What if once wasn't enough? Looking at Josh's travel dates, my next cycle is totally shot. All I've got left is late February. Boy, it's sure going to be fun packing and moving when I'm puking my guts out. Let the good times roll.

I don't know why I ever thought to chart my cycles. And I didn't even think that I wouldn't be able to figure out what it all means. I'm so stressed out by it that I woke up stiff as a board. The whole right side of my back is so tense that I have limited movement of my right arm and turning my head to the right is so not happening. Muscles relaxers? Nope, what if we're pregnant? And if we are? When should I test? Should I count two weeks from January 1st or should I count two weeks from yesterday? Three days is a big difference when every second that ticks by is like an eternity.

I think the kids are picking up on the stress seeping from my frazzled aura. Damian was so emotional last night that his voice was trembling on the edge of tears for about an hour before bed. Hamilton was up until 11:30 last night and Daisy is in melt-down mode this morning. I need to lie flat on my back with ice so that this pain will go away and try to bring myself down out of the rafters. What I wouldn't give for a trip to the chiropractor and a good masseuse. If we don't become pregnant this month then I'm throwing this chart out the window and we'll just do it the old fashioned way: do the baby dance like jack rabbits until we come up positive.

In other news, I went through the shed to evaluate the condition of the baby items we have stored there only to discover that most of it has been used beyond it's ability to withstand another child. The infant car seat that has faithfully cradled and transported two babies and is now old enough that I don't think it meets current safety standards. The swing was brutally abused by Hamilton who would sneak into the seat any time his baby sister wasn't occupying it and so the frame is bent. The stroller held up pretty well but I think we're going to need an additional tandem stroller since Daisy and Hammy are still pretty small. The Pack N Play has lost a crucial pop rivet but I think I'd rather just have a bassinet anyway. So I've made up a couple of relevant lists which are over in the left column. The first is for Squishy and the second is home birth supplies. As we accumulate the items, I will add an asterisk (*) next to it because my keyboard doesn't seem to possess a check-mark and the editing tool for the list doesn't allow me to strike through the text. I'm sure I'm forgetting some things which I will add as they occur to me. For now I'm going to go ice my back and try to get this stupid fertility junk out of my head!

(Later today)

I found the coolest little illustration in today's daily obsession. We're on day 3 now which means that Squishy is at this moment a cute little 4-8 celled blastocyst. Of course, this is assuming we conceived this cycle. Isn't it adorable? It just baffles me that in a very short time this teeny, tiny ball of dividing cells is going to be a whole person! Far out, man. That's, like, so deep.

I can test at 12 days past ovulation which will be January 14th. Oh goodness, what can I do to make that time go by faster? I've got nine whole days to wait! By then my nails will be gnawed to the quick, finger tips calloused from strumming the table, hair style changed, house cleaned and spit-shined, and probably a sizeable project completed. How am I going to get through this? Waaaaaa!