Happy Birthday

After all the craziness and chaos that has defined my existence over the recent months, I am finally holding in my arms the silver lining I needed to find the momentum to change the direction of my life's course. Annika Joy was born this afternoon at 1:27pm. She is a very petite 5 lbs, 13 oz. and 18 inches long. She is absolutely perfect and has a firm grip on my heart already.

Show Time

I didn't make any progress all morning until the last hour. I've dilated to 7 centimeters and I'm 80% effaced. With any luck Squishy will be here within the hour.

Come on Birth Day!

It's about 6am and I'm now dilated to 3 with bloody show. I slept from 2am until 4:30 and the contractions waned while I was out. Now that I'm sitting up they're picking up again and the Pitocin was increased a little bit just recently to help move things along. I'm nervous about the Pitocin because I know it can be brutal. I realize that because of the fact that I'm being induced I can't claim a "natural" birth but I would really like to do this without pain medication. I don't want to have a drugged baby because it increases the risk of complications for her and since I don't have anyone here who can advocate on my behalf, I would like to maintain control over my body and my mind.

More to come as we progress.

Impending Birth Day

I'm pretty sure my sweet little girl's birthday will be September 7th. I'm sitting in the hospital strapped to a machine that sounds like a galloping horse with my bare bottom stuck to a chux pad. I ended up here over the weekend because of my kidney again. The doctor decided that it would be in my best interest to induce labor now since there is no treatment that can be done while I'm pregnant. So this morning I went in for an amniocentesis to determine if the baby's lungs would be developed enough for induction. Well, we got a blaring green light so here I sit waiting for them to administer Pitocin which will run on a low dose through the night.

I was pretty scared at first. I'm 180 degrees from where I had anticipated when I started this journey nine months ago. But I'm beginning to feel excitement about it now. I can't believe that I'm finally going to be meeting my little girl. The elation evaporated with all of my dreams when Josh left but now it's back. I can't wait to hold her in my arms, I can't wait to look into her sweet face, I can't wait to inhale the sweet smell of her warm little body.

I'm hopeful that labor will start with just the low dose of Pitocin. It's not an unreasonable hope since I've already got four births under my belt. My midwife is on tonight and it would be really great if she could attend my birth. If, however, Squishy doesn't make an appearance by 6 tomorrow morning then the Pitocin will be increased and more than likely the doctor who ordered the induction will attend my birth. I'm ok with that too, I just would prefer my midwife because, well, she's a lot more likeminded and I think would be more intuitively inclined to respect my wishes than the doctor.

I'll update as soon as there is something to report. Let the adventure begin!

29 Days

Today it's been 29 days since Josh turned my whole life upside down. 29 days since my family was irrevocably ripped apart, 29 days since I've had any glimpse of happiness. It's been four weeks and one day since I've felt the touch of another adult whose name doesn't end in M.D. 29 of the longest, most excruciating days of my life full of sadness, rage and pain. In the last 29 days I have faced my worst nightmare and finally formed a plan to move through it. There are some days when I don't cry but the tears remain ready and threatening to burst forth at any number of triggers. I have developed a rage that is bigger and more violent than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Josh has become something I can't even identify except to say that he's deceitful and intent on spreading his path of destruction to include the kids. He's spending more time with his new girlfriend and her kids than he is with his own. I'm just grateful that my babies are too young to see that they've always been back-burnered. Hopefully we'll be gone from this place before they see that it will always be that way because he's too much of a pathetic, spineless coward to do what's necessary for the sake of his kids.

We're planning to leave Kentucky. Just as soon as money and weather permit it, we're going to rent a trailer, load it and the suburban up with everything we own and burn rubber out of this horrific nighmare and never look back. We need a new beginning in a place where we have friends and won't be outcast. Bastyr University in Washington state is rated the number one midwifery school in the country so that's my destination. I was hopeful that we could leave before the next semester begins but after working the numbers, we're going to have to wait until the spring. I just can't continue to put my kids through what their dad is doing. If he wants to be irresponsible and hurtful, we need to be as far from him as possible. And the further away we are, the less it's going to hurt when he continually puts everyone else ahead of them.

Squishy will be here in a little more than three weeks. She is healthy and growing well. I'm still planning to birth here at home because there's no reason to believe there will be any danger. Physically, my body is done being pregnant. I am not sleeping well, I'm uncomfortable and I'm an emotional, soggy mess. Mentally, however, I'm petrified. Another little person who is counting on me to do what's right, to provide for her, to protect her, to nurture her as she grows into the beautiful person she is destined to become scares the piss out of me. The gravity of carrying the weight of four young children by myself through their lives, hopeful for the best possible outcome is daunting at best. I truly hope they all will be able to forgive me for the mistakes I'm sure to make. Ready or not, the time is coming.