29 Days

Today it's been 29 days since Josh turned my whole life upside down. 29 days since my family was irrevocably ripped apart, 29 days since I've had any glimpse of happiness. It's been four weeks and one day since I've felt the touch of another adult whose name doesn't end in M.D. 29 of the longest, most excruciating days of my life full of sadness, rage and pain. In the last 29 days I have faced my worst nightmare and finally formed a plan to move through it. There are some days when I don't cry but the tears remain ready and threatening to burst forth at any number of triggers. I have developed a rage that is bigger and more violent than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Josh has become something I can't even identify except to say that he's deceitful and intent on spreading his path of destruction to include the kids. He's spending more time with his new girlfriend and her kids than he is with his own. I'm just grateful that my babies are too young to see that they've always been back-burnered. Hopefully we'll be gone from this place before they see that it will always be that way because he's too much of a pathetic, spineless coward to do what's necessary for the sake of his kids.

We're planning to leave Kentucky. Just as soon as money and weather permit it, we're going to rent a trailer, load it and the suburban up with everything we own and burn rubber out of this horrific nighmare and never look back. We need a new beginning in a place where we have friends and won't be outcast. Bastyr University in Washington state is rated the number one midwifery school in the country so that's my destination. I was hopeful that we could leave before the next semester begins but after working the numbers, we're going to have to wait until the spring. I just can't continue to put my kids through what their dad is doing. If he wants to be irresponsible and hurtful, we need to be as far from him as possible. And the further away we are, the less it's going to hurt when he continually puts everyone else ahead of them.

Squishy will be here in a little more than three weeks. She is healthy and growing well. I'm still planning to birth here at home because there's no reason to believe there will be any danger. Physically, my body is done being pregnant. I am not sleeping well, I'm uncomfortable and I'm an emotional, soggy mess. Mentally, however, I'm petrified. Another little person who is counting on me to do what's right, to provide for her, to protect her, to nurture her as she grows into the beautiful person she is destined to become scares the piss out of me. The gravity of carrying the weight of four young children by myself through their lives, hopeful for the best possible outcome is daunting at best. I truly hope they all will be able to forgive me for the mistakes I'm sure to make. Ready or not, the time is coming.